My husband is a good man at heart, but his go-to communication style with our children (daughter is 14, son is 12), is to shut them down when he is correcting them.
Dear Dr. Meg,
Thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom via your site and your books. Strong Mothers, Strong Sons changed the way I parent my own boy. In reading that book, I grew to understand even more the importance of building up the relationship between my children and their father, and of building him up in their eyes. I try to do that by not badmouthing him, giving him chances to shine with them, and by pointing out his good qualities.
But what do you advise me to do when they see behavior in him that is not good, and they are now old enough to recognize it, point it out to me, and ask me about it?
My husband is a good man at heart, but his go-to communication style with our children (daughter is 14, son is 12), is to shut them down when he is correcting them.
As I was telling my daughter good night after one of these incidents, she was very upset. She said, “Mom, I am so angry. Dad is mean all of the time and then he has these bursts of niceness that confuse me. And then I feel bad for being mad at him.”
She went on to say that she couldn’t be herself around my husband, that he expects everyone to be perfect, and that he is mostly mean and thinks he’s always right.
When he gets angry with me, out of earshot of the children, he shuts me down immediately and then will sometimes escalate to cursing at me, telling me he hates being married to me, and that he will leave me as soon as the children are gone.
The next morning he might pout a bit, but he’ll go back to being his nicer self and won’t apologize for his outbursts. Even with that said, he is a good man deep down, but he is immature. He is a professional who cannot handle the stress of his job, but he feels threatened when I offer help.