Desperate and Living with Something Locked Inside

Hi,

I am student of ACCA. I’ve been failing for the last two years.  After working so hard & not being able to score enough to pass, I lost sense of how many attempts I had made & no matter how hard I have tried to keep myself motivated I have stopped studying and working hard. 

After my results last June, my parents told me about a marriage proposal from my father’s friend son. At that time I didn’t have strength to fight for myself so I told my mother I would accept because I didn’t have the strength to listen to her tell me she wished I was never born that why don’t I just go & kill myself. 

I told them yes on the condition that they will let me complete my studies first & that no one would try to be funny about it with me, make stupid jokes or ask stupid questions. I never met him, I had no interest, I knew I would never like him. I had hated arranged marriages more than I had hated myself. I got married anyway and I didn’t cry or complain once. My husband told me he loves me but I believe it is not possible without knowing someone. 

The plan is for me to live with my parents until my studies is complete & then we’ll be living together. He lives overseas.  I have come to know that I can’t trust him as he changes his words quickly. I don’t know what is going to happen. 

He feels happy and free after talking to me, and I feel tired and exhausted after our conversations. I can’t concentrate on my studies, I understand nothing. I am in a state where I no longer care, I have stopped. I am just breathing, trying to just survive. My purpose now is just not to kill myself but I wonder If it’ll be worth it. I have nightmares and only wake to find my life is a mess. I have lost the ability to study. Something inside me is locked and I can’t move.

– Desperate and living with something “locked inside”

Dear Friend –

I know that you are living in terrible darkness and I understand. While I have not been in your exact situation, I want you to know that I understand feeling depressed: you don’t want to eat, talk to people or study and you feel like you are numb and simply breathing. You are not alone. So first I want to tell you a few things and I want you to listen to me.

First, NOTHING is worth killing yourself over. Not your mother, father, husband or sister. Nothing. You are a precious woman with a lot to live for but you can’t see that right now. So hold on- do not hurt yourself.

Second, your life can get better. There is always hope. You can get out of your situation and I think this will make you feel much, much better. I know that you feel trapped but there is a way out. If you can only finish school (I know that it is hard to study right now) then you can find a way out. Try as hard as you can just to pass your classes so that you can finish. Getting an education is going to really help you escape the pain that you are in.

You need someone you can talk to about how you are feeling to help you get through until school is finished. Who is that person? Do you have a grandmother, aunt, uncle, grandfather, teacher or friend that understands how much you hurt and who will help you get through today and tomorrow? If you can find just one person to listen to you and help you, then you can get through today and then tomorrow and the next day. You say that you don’t trust people and I understand, but try again. You don’t need someone to save you from this situation, you just need someone who will listen to your heart right now.

Once you have finished school, then you can make plans to live away from your parents and your husband. You can get a job and make your own money. I don’t know what country you live in so I don’t know what is available to you but I think that you should work wherever you can for a while- even if you need to go to another country- before you go to live with your husband. You need time to get better. Right now you don’t know what you want because you are so depressed but once your depression gets better, then you can figure out where to go from here.

Here’s what you need to remember: you are NOT stuck. There are doctors who can help you get over your depression with medicines, there are counselors who can help you feel less pain and there are friends who can help you through.

God made you different from everyone else in the world and He loves you. I know that you can’t feel it now, but you need to know that He is real, He is a good God and He wants you to live and get better! If you open your heart to Him and ask Him for help, I promise He will help you get better.

I am also going to ask my friends who are reading this to write to you, pray for you and help you. They are good people and I know that they will.