I am student of ACCA. I’ve been failing for the last two years. After working so hard & not being able to score enough to pass, I lost sense of how many attempts I had made & no matter how hard I have tried to keep myself motivated I have stopped studying and working hard.
After my results last June, my parents told me about a marriage proposal from my father’s friend son. At that time I didn’t have strength to fight for myself so I told my mother I would accept because I didn’t have the strength to listen to her tell me she wished I was never born that why don’t I just go & kill myself.
I told them yes on the condition that they will let me complete my studies first & that no one would try to be funny about it with me, make stupid jokes or ask stupid questions. I never met him, I had no interest, I knew I would never like him. I had hated arranged marriages more than I had hated myself. I got married anyway and I didn’t cry or complain once. My husband told me he loves me but I believe it is not possible without knowing someone.
The plan is for me to live with my parents until my studies is complete & then we’ll be living together. He lives overseas. I have come to know that I can’t trust him as he changes his words quickly. I don’t know what is going to happen.
He feels happy and free after talking to me, and I feel tired and exhausted after our conversations. I can’t concentrate on my studies, I understand nothing. I am in a state where I no longer care, I have stopped. I am just breathing, trying to just survive. My purpose now is just not to kill myself but I wonder If it’ll be worth it. I have nightmares and only wake to find my life is a mess. I have lost the ability to study. Something inside me is locked and I can’t move.
– Desperate and living with something “locked inside”