Dear Dr. Meg,
I lost my oldest son, 39, in November 2013 in a car crash. I am still grieving over his loss. It was he and I for years. His Dad and me divorced when he was a baby. A parent should not outlive their children!
It wasn’t until 11 years later I remarried, but we were everything to each other. He always said “Just you and me Mom, just you and me”. We were very close. I am still grieving over him and I will till the day I die. He left me 2 wonderful grandchildren, 14 and 13. I am thankful and told him “I love you” everyday. The last time I saw him was in May 2013 when I left for California to help my youngest son. We hugged, said “I love you” to each other. He said “Just you and me Mom, just you and me”. Yes, hon, always. Next thing, I get this phone call at 0345 from one of my other sons, saying that he was dead. My heart just ripped in two.
I could feel the knife cutting through my heart again. Oh, it hurts so much! I had forgotten how it hurt when my husband passed away. But you know when it is your child it is a different pain! Your child is part of you; your flesh and blood. You carried them for 9 months, you feed them, breathe for them, you felt their movements and their kicks. Not like your spouse.
I’ve been seeing a therapist through the V.A. for years for ‘PTSD’ from war zones cause of ‘M.S.T’. The therapist I had this last year (new one) thought I should be over my grief by June 2014. She couldn’t understand why I still wasn’t. That I was even still grieving over the loss of my husband, Jan 1995. Left 2 children, 1 boy (9), 1 girl (7). My therapist told me I should not still be grieving over the loss of my son.
When I lost my husband, I guess someone was looking out for the kids. The school the kids went to had a week long session for grieving kids who had lost a family member. I put both my children in this class. It did help some but not much. My daughter really never got over the loss of her Daddy. Of course she was a Daddy’s girl. ]She is now 28 and she still ask things about Daddy and if he did this or that. If she got this from Daddy’s side of the family. She is tall and big like her Daddy. My son doesn’t really ask questions and when he does it shocks me.
I didn’t know what to tell the kids and didn’t know how to deal with their problems of losing my husband. All I did was to be honest with them about him, hug them and tell them everyday, several times a day, that “I love you” or “I loved them”. What else could I do? I was new to this too. Now I’ve lost my son. I do also tell his kids “I love you” and hug them when I see them. I, again don’t know what to do or how. I will I hope help my Grandchildren through this time.
I know, Dr. Meg you rely on God’s help. I used to but I feel I have no faith in God now. I lost my best friend, my soul mate and my loving husband. I lost my other friend, my buddy, my son. I know I should, but I cannot trust God now. I know I should. Only the only sin I’ve committed is turning my back on God. I’m sorry Dr. Meg but I can’t help it. It has taken me 3 weeks to write this message. A friend sent me a comment you made on facebook. So, I took time and read a lot. I follow your page. I like it, too.
I am not sure what I’m asking for or trying to say here. What I feel or need. I just felt the need to write.
A Grieving Mother