Our first family makeover addresses many of the familiar challenges that come with parenting our teenagers. Through this particular family we will look at issues such as: parenting effectively through divorce and remarriage, how to determine whether your child has an issue requiring medication, such as ADHD or whether your child simply has behavior issues requiring a shift in parenting- like setting up critical boundaries that pre- teens need to be healthy and confident.
Our first family makeover addresses many of the familiar challenges that come with parenting our teenagers. Through this particular family we will look at issues such as: parenting effectively through divorce and remarriage, how to determine whether your child has an issue requiring medication, such as ADHD or whether your child simply has behavior issues requiring a shift in parenting- like setting up critical boundaries that pre- teens need to be healthy and confident.
In my first meeting with Jackie and Joe, we began to discuss the challenges these two divorced parents were facing with their daughter…
THE FIRST VISIT
Jackie: Dr. Meeker, we’re here because we have concerns about our daughter, Sophie. She is 11 years old and is difficult to handle. She never listens to me, but she will listen to her dad. We are divorced, but live close to one another so we share custody pretty equally. I (Jackie) have a boyfriend who lives with us and her Dad (Joe) is remarried and has three stepsons who live with him and his new wife. So, when Sophie is at my house, she is with only my boyfriend and I, but when she is with Joe, she lives life in a busy houseful of people.
Dr. Meeker: What, specifically, are your concerns about Sophie?
Joe (Dad): Well, her family doctor told us a few weeks ago that he feels that she has ADHD and gave us prescription medication for her to take. We don’t know if we should use it or not and would like a second opinion.
Dr. Meeker: What lead your doctor to give her the prescription?
Jackie: Sophie’s teacher told us that she was leaving the classroom frequently, that she is distracted and talks too much in class. Another teacher said the same thing, so we brought her to see the doctor.
Dr. Meeker: Did he suggest any testing or have you fill out any forms?
Joe: No, the doctor talked with Sophie and told us to try this medication.
Dr. Meeker: So have you tried it?
Jackie: No, that’s why we’re here, we want a second opinion, first.
Over the course of the first hour I spoke with Sophie about her life. I learned that her grades were very good and that she only wanted to leave class because, according to her, she” just got bored.” She also went often to the school counselor and cried. She didn’t really know what she was crying about.
I asked Sophie what she did at home. She explained to me that she watched television at her mom’s and spent time hanging out with her mom’s boyfriend. She said she liked him “OK.” She liked being at her father’s because there was more to do. She said that her dad was a lot stricter than mom, but that was “okay” too. She told me that sometimes she would talk back to her mother, but never with her father because she knew that he would ground her.
Sophie was cheerful, bubbly and a little bit scattered. She spoke equally to her mother and her father. She liked school, but liked lunch, recess and her friends the most. She had trouble with math, but reading and other subjects were fairly easy.
At the end of the visit, I gave Sophie’s mother and father five forms called “Vanderbilt forms” that I wanted them to complete. Three were to be filled out by her teachers and the other two completed by each parent. I wanted them to send these evaluations back to me before their next visit. I asked them to hold off giving Sophie the medication and to return to my office in two weeks.
THE SECOND VISIT
Before Sophie and her parents returned, I scored the forms that they had completed and sent in to me. The teacher evaluations were highly suspicious of ADHD, primarily attention issues and the parents’ forms showed something different. They showed less attention issues and more behavioral issues such as defiance.
Dr. Meeker: I scored the tests that you gave me and Sophie does appear to have some attention issues according to the teacher forms. At home, however, there seems to be a different story. Tell me, Jackie, what is Sophie like when you are together?
Jackie- Well, I think that for an 11 year old, she gets pretty mouthy.
Dr. Meeker: What does she say to you?
Jackie: She’s very disrespectful, makes faces at me like I’m stupid and sometimes she says that I’m a bad mother and tells me to shut-up.
Dr. Meeker: What do you do when she does that?
Jackie: I take her phone away.
Joe: You mean you take it away for an hour and then give it back to her. She doesn’t listen to you because she knows she doesn’t have to.
Jackie: That’s not true! I’m very strict.
Dr. Meeker: Sophie, do you get mouthy with your mother?
Sophie: Yeah, sometimes.
Dr. Meeker: What happens when to you when you aren’t nice?
Sophie: Mom’s right. She takes my phone away. But Dad’s right too. He’s much stricter. I can kinda do whatever I want at Mom’s.
Dr. Meeker: Joe, let me ask you, do you see behavior problems at your house?
Joe: No, not really. But she does something that drives me crazy. She follows me around wherever I go. I have a short fuse and I have ADHD and I don’t have any patience for this.
Dr. Meeker: So, let me ask you both, does Sophie follow through with her chores at home?
Joe: Oh yeah, She’s good about chores at my house.
Jackie: No! I have to tell her over and over to do something. She never listens to me. I can’t get her to get to school on time. She can’t wake herself up. All I do is yell at her in the morning to get ready. If I didn’t, she’d miss school.
Joe: Hmm. She wakes herself up at my house. Maybe that’s because the boys get up.
Dr. Meeker: I want the two of you to sit down and talk about consequences for very specific behaviors. You must agree on a few ground rules here, because if one of you allows her to have her phone whenever she wants and the other won’t, she’ll learn to play one of you against the other. You have to get on the same page. Try implementing a few of the same rules and sticking with them. Don’t let her tell you that she will go to Mom’s because she gets her phone there. Jackie, you need to honor what Joe’s trying to do too. If not, it’s very confusing for Sophie.
Joe: But, we each have things that we want her to do and they aren’t the same.
Dr. Meeker: Here’s what I want you to do. Each of you needs to write down four things that are very important to you to have Sophie learn or follow. For instance, Joe, you want her to go to youth group on Wednesday nights and Jackie, you don’t care about that. Then, I want you to exchange the list. In the meantime, when you are at home, never criticize one another to Sophie, because this will make her not want to listen to either of you.
THE THIRD VISIT
Joe and Jackie returned one week later, this time, without Sophie. Each had a list of the top four important things that they wanted Sophie to follow. They were as far from one another as possible.
Joe said that it was important for Sophie to:
Go to youth group Weds nights and to church on Sundays
Never speak badly to him or his wife
Wear clothes that were modest
Get good grades in school
Jackie said that it was important for Sophie to:
Act respectfully to Jackie’s boyfriend
Have a close relationship with her mother as she got older
Be allowed to wear what her mother thought was appropriate for a girl her age (this included make-up, nail polish and padded bras)
Be given freedom to make some of her own decisions about dating, going to friends homes for sleepovers