Every week I see young kids and parents who are seriously overweight and my heart sinks. No 11-year-old girl wants stretch marks over her belly and no 8-year-old boy should feel embarrassment and grief because he can’t keep up with his basketball team during sprints. But here’s the toughest part – most parents don’t want to address weight issues in their children because they (usually mothers in my experience) feel so much shame about themselves.
Every week I see young kids and parents who are seriously overweight and my heart sinks. No 11-year-old girl wants stretch marks over her belly and no 8-year-old boy should feel embarrassment and grief because he can’t keep up with his basketball team during sprints. But here’s the toughest part – most parents don’t want to address weight issues in their children because they (usually mothers in my experience) feel so much shame about themselves.
They feel shame on two accounts. First, parents feel guilty because their children are overweight and second, they feel ashamed because they honestly believe that they can’t control their own weight. So, they figure: how can I help my child if I can’t even control my own eating habits? And the parent and child stay stuck, trapped in bodies that feel like prisons. But I know this – any parent can break out of this cycle.
Most parents don’t address weight issues in their kids because they feel shame about themselves.
When parents feel deep-seated shame, we punish ourselves. That’s what shame does. It moves in like a beast with a thousand tentacles and strangles our minds, feelings and ultimately behaviors. Let’s look at how this works.
If a woman experiences sexual assault as a child, for instance, she subconsciously blames herself and then feels self -contempt. You know that feeling – the one that says “You idiot! How could you?” Or if a man feels abandoned as a child, he too will internalize those awful feelings and turn on himself. As we mature, this self-contempt talks to us saying, “You are a loser and you can’t win. In fact, you’ll never win – at anything.”
Then that woman or man becomes a parent and the voice of shame grows louder. It screams, “You are an out of control loser who will never be able to get your eating, anger, addiction (fill in your own blank) under control.” Your child grows and you begin to see yourself in the face of your young child. You stare at her/him and you are back at that time – when a particular hurt originally set in. Now you feel double shame – the part that began when you were a child – and now as the adult who feels you can’t break free.
Let me say this – you are NOT stuck. No parent is stuck and should ever be a prisoner to shame.
Yes, it is a real feeling but it is one which must never become embedded in you. You can rid yourself of shame and if you can’t seem to shake it off on your own, let me suggest you try God. If Christ was who He claimed to be, then accept His help to peel it off your back. That’s what He came to earth to do. To get you unstuck.
